Published April 25, 2006
I tilted my head and bowed with my eyes,
Looking farther down deep than I could have surmised.
It wasn’t for lack of a happier day,
But all things in my head felt so faded away.
I wondered if I could pretend to be blissful,
Put a frock on and dance with power that’s wistful.
But my eyes still proceeded to falter and bend,
Till I realized joy wasn’t something that I could pretend.
My hands fell down limply as I made a harsh moan,
But no air from this Earth could have saved me alone.
What possible thing could I do now but wait,
As my days withered sorely and waited for fate?
No person could sooth me quite right any more,
For that someone who could long since passed through my door.
Was I such a trifle that he could not stay?
Give love overflowing and then leave the next day?
It was foolish to try and be prudent when it came,
To things of that nature and of that foul game.
Of course I did wish for that man to return,
And yet I wished to for him to feel hell’s harsh burn.
Sounds from behind made my thoughts seem absurd,
So I turned myself round to see what had occurred.
My eyes lifted up like the softest sunrise,
And my face glowed with wonder and greater surprise.
“But whom could it be?” I thought deep in query,
With glances around to the….(i have to go! more later!)
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Is the word "could" necessary here?
I think it should be "to" with two O's, as in "too".
Also, I wish you would finish it
xanthan is quite right, those lines are quite forced.
The first thing I look at when I see it doesn't quite flow is the syllable count
I tilted my head and bowed with my eyes, ---- 10 syllables
Looking farther down deep than I could have surmised. ---- 12 syllables
It wasn’t for lack of a happier day, ---- 11 syllables
But all things in my head felt so faded away. ---- 12 syllables
I wondered if I could pretend to be blissful, ---- 12 syllables
Put a frock on and dance with power that’s wistful. ---- 12 syllables
But my eyes still proceeded to falter and bend, ---- 12 syllables
Till I realized joy wasn’t something that I could pretend. ---- 15 syllables
The first stanza isn't bad... the second stanza is almost okay, except for the last line.
So something else is wrong. I think it's the vowel sounds.
It's called assonance. Basically, similar vowel sounds run a little bit more smoother than vowel sounds that aren't similar. Remember the song about apples and bananas, how you would change the vowel sounds to make it sound different? Same concept here. Look at the vowels. Which ones are strong? Which ones aren't? Then edit it down. Remember... metering is all fine and good, but you have to make sure that the vowels sound correct.
Another thing that I think is holding you up is the short jerky words. Because of the vowel sounds, they show up a little bit moer, almost like a raisin in oatmeal, if that makes any sense.
So try to make it smooth and legato.
Good luck with finishing it!
Not all the lines flowed well, but some did. I did not thik you had to rhyme quite as frequently as you did in this poem.
I thought this stanza flowed and the rhyming was good at this point, but the other stanza's need some work.
The rhyming was really forced in these stanzas. And I'd finish things before I post them, next time.